Work

Last week was the beginning of a new chapter in our lives. I left both kids with a virtual stranger and made my way back into the working world. When I left work in December 2009, I was bitter, mean and in need of a break. As I ventured back on the morning of January 24, 2011 I was excited, scared and relieved. Excited to be getting a part of me back with adult conversations and friends, scared about leaving the kids and venturing back into the workforce, and relieved to know I was welcome and wanted both at home and at the shelter.

Turns out things never change though. I love my job, and although it is crazy, stressful and most days stinky, I enjoy going to work and knowing I just might be changing one persons life. When I left the shelter 14 months ago to have a baby, I knew all the clients and what vices they had and all the staff. As I returned that was not the case. The unfortunate reality of the lifestyle most clients have is that their health goes to the wayside. Many clients, both young and old, have passed away in just one year. Many of them clients that I have fed, bathed, clothed and nurtured over the last 3 years. When a client comes into the shelter, you never think of it as being the last time you might speak to them, or the last time they annoy you when asking for food. You think of it as helping them to get some rest, warmth and help.

Today I spoke to a client who is living out his last days. After years of heavy non beverage alcohol use, he is dying of stomach cancer. This client used to DRIVE ME NUTS!! He would be up all hours of the night asking for things, wanting to talk, causing trouble in the shelter and trying to sneak Listerine into the shelter. Today, he didn't even know who I was. Very, very sad.

I have a very heavy heart when I think about all the clients who we will probably see over the next few years pass away, but living on the streets with an addiction is a harsh way to spend your life. As much as I would love to be able to save them all, I somehow have to learn to not take things personally so when the inevitable happens, my life is not affected as well.

I wrote this post a few days ago and never dreamed it would foreshadow what was to come in my near future.

I was at work on a day that seemed like any other yesterday when the unthinkable happened. I found a client on his mat and unresponsive. As this is unfortunately not the first experience I have had in this respect I knew what to do. I called for help, and yelled for the team lead to call 911. I immediately knew there was nothing that could be done to save this man's life and asked that someone get a blanket to cover him up. In a short time, the paramedics came and I took my first step back to see what had actually taken place. My knees grew weak and I started to shake and then the tears started to flow. I wasn't crying for the man who had just lost his life, I was crying because it had happened again. In a job where it is a very real possibility of someone to lose their life, it is still difficult to see a person make the choices that leads down that path. A native smudge and drum ceremony was performed in his honor and I was so fortunate to be a part of it.

I chose to not go to work today in light of what happened, and not because the tears are still flowing, but because I am exhausted both mentally and physically. I have been fighting a cold for the last 2 weeks and because I experienced such sadness yesterday, my body couldn't take it anymore. I am looking forward to returning to work tomorrow and finding that we are all strong enough to fight another day.