Work

Last week was the beginning of a new chapter in our lives. I left both kids with a virtual stranger and made my way back into the working world. When I left work in December 2009, I was bitter, mean and in need of a break. As I ventured back on the morning of January 24, 2011 I was excited, scared and relieved. Excited to be getting a part of me back with adult conversations and friends, scared about leaving the kids and venturing back into the workforce, and relieved to know I was welcome and wanted both at home and at the shelter.

Turns out things never change though. I love my job, and although it is crazy, stressful and most days stinky, I enjoy going to work and knowing I just might be changing one persons life. When I left the shelter 14 months ago to have a baby, I knew all the clients and what vices they had and all the staff. As I returned that was not the case. The unfortunate reality of the lifestyle most clients have is that their health goes to the wayside. Many clients, both young and old, have passed away in just one year. Many of them clients that I have fed, bathed, clothed and nurtured over the last 3 years. When a client comes into the shelter, you never think of it as being the last time you might speak to them, or the last time they annoy you when asking for food. You think of it as helping them to get some rest, warmth and help.

Today I spoke to a client who is living out his last days. After years of heavy non beverage alcohol use, he is dying of stomach cancer. This client used to DRIVE ME NUTS!! He would be up all hours of the night asking for things, wanting to talk, causing trouble in the shelter and trying to sneak Listerine into the shelter. Today, he didn't even know who I was. Very, very sad.

I have a very heavy heart when I think about all the clients who we will probably see over the next few years pass away, but living on the streets with an addiction is a harsh way to spend your life. As much as I would love to be able to save them all, I somehow have to learn to not take things personally so when the inevitable happens, my life is not affected as well.

I wrote this post a few days ago and never dreamed it would foreshadow what was to come in my near future.

I was at work on a day that seemed like any other yesterday when the unthinkable happened. I found a client on his mat and unresponsive. As this is unfortunately not the first experience I have had in this respect I knew what to do. I called for help, and yelled for the team lead to call 911. I immediately knew there was nothing that could be done to save this man's life and asked that someone get a blanket to cover him up. In a short time, the paramedics came and I took my first step back to see what had actually taken place. My knees grew weak and I started to shake and then the tears started to flow. I wasn't crying for the man who had just lost his life, I was crying because it had happened again. In a job where it is a very real possibility of someone to lose their life, it is still difficult to see a person make the choices that leads down that path. A native smudge and drum ceremony was performed in his honor and I was so fortunate to be a part of it.

I chose to not go to work today in light of what happened, and not because the tears are still flowing, but because I am exhausted both mentally and physically. I have been fighting a cold for the last 2 weeks and because I experienced such sadness yesterday, my body couldn't take it anymore. I am looking forward to returning to work tomorrow and finding that we are all strong enough to fight another day.

I think about you

Once upon a time I was sitting in Smitty's restaurant while I was supposed to be in School, and I was singing to the radio playing overhead. A gentleman was sitting at the table across from me and was laughing because I knew every word to every song. I finally got up to use the restroom and stopped to talk to him on my way back to the table. Well, ended up talking to this man and for nearly every day after that for almost 15 years. We sang songs together, ate together and drove around in his huge, old, gold Cadillac together making memories. I never realized that part until now.

Jim was one of a kind. He always complained about politics, the way people drove, and how gross it was to not wash your hands after using the toilet. He would take me to all the plays put on by my high school drama club, never missed a swim meet and even sat in the cold to watch me play field hockey. Jim was the one who showed up in a powder blue suit just to see me graduate, and who wore the tie that never matched his shirt just so he looked right for my wedding. He was always excited to see my and my kids. Jim was a friend, dad, grandfather and confidante just when I needed him the most. Many people thought our relationship odd as the age difference was so big, but if you knew Jim, you knew he was a gentleman and never needed anything more than a friend.

Over the last 5 years, Jim has struggled more than any human being should. After overcoming cancer, an aneurysm and a bad heart, he struggled through an infection and got better. Jim was the strongest man I know and after falling ill in August 2010 he was once again facing the battle of his life. He was placed in the hospital and overcame all odds to make it home 4 months later.

Hooked to oxygen and no longer able to drive, Jim had become a strong shoulder for someone else. Chris and Jim met in the hospital, and with nobody else to help him, Jim took Chris under his wing and helped him face the day. They would visit, eat together, and Jim would make sure Chris made it to therapy. After being home, I felt it important to keep contact so Jim, the kids and I would make our Saturday trips to see Chris. They kept in touch over the phone when travel became too much for Jim, but I'm glad they were able to form a bond in a short time that both men needed.

Yesterday morning I received a phone call from Jim and thought I should go for a visit. After having a great breakfast with him while chatting about everyday things, we thought it a good idea to go and see Chris. After talking to the nurse, it was decided leaving the hospital was not a great idea. We opted for going for coffee downstairs in the atrium but needed to get vital signs first. By this point Jim was starting to struggle for air and it was deemed necessary to go for a STAT chest xray. Jim got out of his chair and onto the stretcher himself. By the time he returned from xray 1/2 hour later, he couldn't get up. It was a quick downward spiral from there. The nurses gave Jim some Morphine to make him comfortable and asked that I contact his family. They came down and we all said our goodbyes. After struggling with the right decision I made my way home expecting a call in the middle of the night. The call came at 5:15am and I went back to the hospital. Jim was hanging on, but struggling with each breath. At about 6am I leaned over, gave Jim a kiss on his forehead and told him it was okay to let go. At 6:19am Jim took his last breath and slipped away from me.

On my way home from the hospital today I heard a song on the radio we used to sing together and I haven't heard in years. I think about you, By Colin Raye. Was it a sign?? Who knows.

Jim took all his knowledge, humor and comfort from me and left. He left this world not with a struggle but with a calm that I have never known. He was a wonderful man and I have wonderful memories because of it. I will never have a Starbucks coffee, see someone wearing dirty sweatpants, or see someone not wash their hands, without thinking of the friend I have lost. I am honored to have known Jim for soo many years and hope he saves a place for me wherever he is now.